How important is it to put all our effort into living uniquely?
You can always trust bank advertising to make clear what’s considered normal, the desires we’re all meant to have, the standard way of being. Stuck in a bank queue recently, I looked beyond the tellers to the large, multi-paned ad board on the wall. On it was a man and woman looking comfortable in their expensive white-and-beige clothes, beside them a pair of magazine-beautiful children, behind the family a brick-and-tile home in perfect repair, a white picket fence out front. And I thought, why would anyone in their right mind want any of that? All those rooms of the house filled with the sounds of the kids running up and down and around and everywhere, all that housework, the constant state of negotiation, so much communication and companionship but so little peace and quiet, next-to-no time alone.
Of course, many people (most?) do want this, but not me, not on your life.
I’ve been with my partner for 15 years. For five and a half of these years, we lived together in a cute 1960s house, a pretty garden, a car and matching car-loan, a Dalmatian named Willow and a very naughty cat named Sam. No picket fence, thank God, otherwise we would have looked as though destined for a bank advertisement. But, as it happens to most of us, we hit a road-block, we split up. Only to get together again ten months later. I now owned the house—actually the bank did, through the mother of all mortgages—and my partner now owned a place on the other side of town. Immediately we decided not to jump straight back into cohabiting, we’d take things slowly, just find our own way this time, play by our own rules. Wednesday would be our ‘date night’ and we’d spend weekends together; sometimes we’d take a trip interstate or even overseas. But the rest of the time would be our own—our own time in our own homes.
And it worked. You bet it did. We’re both independent souls, we like privacy and a little solace; neither of us needs constant company, though we do like being in a partnership.
But then came another change; relationships are nothing if not constant wretched change.
Keep reading over at Role/Reboot. Thanks to Meredith Landry.
8 comments
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February 16, 2013 at 9:16+00:00Feb
Gabrielle Bryden
Wow, you sounds a lot like me Nigel 😉 Great article and quite brave I would say. I love being on my own and thinking and dreaming and listening to depressing music and being melancholy and wearing holey clothes – hahaha – and I absolutely love knowing that no-one will be knocking at the door (hence living on 20 acres with a barbed wire fence and cct 😉 ) to annoy me. You have a great set up there (and stuff that person who said it wasn’t a real relationship – how rude!). You might think that my life is the opposite of yours, what with the kids and all, but when they are at school I get the house all to myself – and Andy the Great – when he is not working – he is often home but off in his dream world too – and in the shed) – there but not there – perfect (and no-one in this house cares what we wear around the house – haha). But we are all there for each other when we need it to be that way.
February 16, 2013 at 9:16+00:00Feb
Nigel Featherstone
Hi Gabe, thanks as always for your thoughtful and generous comments. It’s really interesting that much of the discussion seems to be around the joys of having the house to yourself – quiet time. It’s so important, isn’t it. But all those acres you have – that sounds like total bliss to me!
February 20, 2013 at 9:16+00:00Feb
Gabrielle Bryden
It is blissful – always something to look at – an interesting bird, a flowering waterlily … (and it is about having the house to yourself – but not always quiet – I like to play loud music and sing and dance like crazy sometimes – this is best done alone ;)).
February 16, 2013 at 9:16+00:00Feb
Whispering Gums
Great post … I know of – personally or by anecdote – a few couples who live apart and I can see a lot going for it. I must say that I really enjoyed the few years I was retired and my husband still working … that time to myself was a treasure! Now I have to work out other ways of achieving that space (reasonably). It’s one thing to go out to separate activities – that’s usually easily achieved isn’t it – but the challenge is to have that sense of the house to oneself! Still working on that!
There is of course an economic element to sharing one house – for some people there’s little choice while for others it’s a matter of priorities regarding how they want to spend their money.
As for ads … have you seen those really offensive cinema ads for the Kingston Foreshore development. Smug looking people, lords and ladies of their domain staring at us from the screen. If I had ever thought of moving there (and I hadn’t as an apartment is not my idea of life) those ads would put me off in an instant.
February 16, 2013 at 9:16+00:00Feb
Nigel Featherstone
Hi Sue, yes, you’re right, of course, that many couple can’t afford to have two houses in their combined life. But my partner and I have only been able to achieve this by living in places that many people consider ‘struggle towns’. And both our homes are on the small side – there’d be couples whose one house is bigger than ours combined! But then there are the bills: yes, running two houses is more expensive than running one. But I guess in the end it all comes down to needs and priorities and how these things are management. In response to this story, someone posted on Facebook ‘Ah the imperative of living uniquely’. I really like that! However we are to do this whole life thing, we should think it through and do it the right way, even if that’s at odds to what most people do.
February 17, 2013 at 9:16+00:00Feb
Whispering Gums
Absolutely, and be open to being flexible when circumstances – jobs, health, finances, etc, change!
February 17, 2013 at 9:16+00:00Feb
Agnes
Really enjoyed this post Nigel. My fella and I have been together 2 years but since he’s in the Navy we don’t live together yet. We hope to one day but can’t see that happening straight away so I can totally relate to the excitement you speak of, of coming together after being apart. We both live full and happy independent lives, but certainly make the most of the time we do get to spend together. I still get the butterflies, I get to hop on planes and visit places I’ve never been before and there’s a lot to be said for a quick weekend getaway at short notice!
February 17, 2013 at 9:16+00:00Feb
Nigel Featherstone
Hi Agnes, it’s great to hear from you.
So glad that things are going well for you. And it sounds like you and your fella have things in a lovely, magical balance. ‘I still get the butterflies.’ How good is that?!? All the best to you and yours.